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Dear Mum and Dad

Before I start, I want you both to know that I love you both very much, you've always been there for me when I've needed you and never asked for anything in return. You have loved me, cared for me and nurtured me over these past 17 years, and I couldn't love or appreciate you more for it - even though perhaps I don't always show it, for which I am sorry.

Anyway, now. This is the most difficult letter I've ever had to write, so I won't flower things up or try to confuse you: I'll get straight to the point:

I'm gay.

I'm telling you this now because the time is right for me to tell you now. I know that sounds selfish, but this is something I have to do for myself. I've told you because it is part of my own personal journey in life, and I don't like pretending to you to be something I'm not. I respect and love you both too much to keep on lying to you about who I am.

This is a point it has taken me a long time to get to, to have the courage to tell you both - even if that courage is not great enough for me to tell you to your faces. This is something I am so sorry for, and I will probably regret for the rest of my life that I couldn't tell you to your faces.

But the time is right for you to know and for me to tell you, it's just that this is the only way I can do it. Also, writing it down gives me the opportunity to say exactly what I feel and for you to take it all in.

I've known for a long time that I was different, and probably since about 13 or 14 that what is different about me is that I'm gay. It's only recently that I've actually come to terms with it myself and have felt confident and proud enough of myself and who I am that I have started to tell people.

I want you to know that this is NOT just a phase, and that I am absolutely 100% certain that I am gay. I want you to know that this is not something I chose. It certainly isn't what I wanted, it is just something that happened.

I need you to understand that this is NOT your fault, and you cannot blame yourselves for me being gay. I am who I am and it is nothing to do with the way I have been brought up that I'm gay. It was just meant to be. I know that saying "it was just meant to be" is a poor excuse and explanation, but is as close as any of us are ever going to get to understanding why, not only that I'm gay, but also why other people are too.

It is important to me that you understand that blame lies with no-one and that nothing can be done or could ever have been done.

I want you to know that for me, this is natural and normal - I know that you probably think that being attracted to other guys is wrong and totally abnormal, and whilst it isn't the NORM, it is what is normal for me: it comes as basically and instinctively as you finding people of the other sex attractive.

Being gay isn't the norm for society as a whole, but for me it is normal and natural, and I can't think of being any other way.

I hate myself for never having been honest and open with you about me questioning my sexuality, and I don't want either of you to feel that this was your fault, or that you are to blame. It was due to my own insecurities and uncertainties about myself that I did not understand that I could talk to you about it. It is only now, now that I have absolute certainty of my homosexuality, that I can tell you - albeit in as pathetic a way as this.

There have been so many times over the past year where I've thought to myself "Just tell them" but stopped myself before I blurted it out. It was the thought of the consequences of telling you that put me off telling you. It has never been something that I have been able to predict.

I have had so many dreams where I've told you, and you've simply replied that you knew, and we were able to carry on openly, frankly, honestly and happily.

But then, for every good dream I've had about telling you, there have been three where you took it badly. I know that these fears were totally unfounded, but I hope that you understand vaguely why I had them - because I was so scared that I had failed you.

Even now, I have that same fear. I've read that for many parents, finding out that a son or daughter is gay brought their entire world crashing down around them. I cannot help but feel SO sorry for all the things that my being gay has deprived you of - the beautiful and perfect daughter-in-law and the grandchildren, and the continuation of the family name.

Whilst I feel deep sorrow and regret for depriving you of these things, then I must think of what such a life would have been like for me if I had decided to live such a life.

I know that sounds REALLY selfish, but you have always told me that I should do what makes me happy - and having a wife and children certainly would not make me happy. I would be living a lie, something that would eventually destroy me.

When the image of the perfect family crumbled, it would probably make you more unhappy that I'm guessing you are now.

I can't do anything to stop you feeling sad and disappointed, except to tell you that:
1. This is who I really am
2. It makes me happy for you to know, so that the web of lies and deceit I have spun over the years can disappear and we can have an honest relationahip
3. It is not your fault

You may be wondering why at the beginning of year 10 - it doesn't seem possible for it to be two years ago - I kicked up such a fuss about Ben calling me gay. At that point, I was just coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay. No-one else knew, but people obviously had deep-rooted suspicions.

It is important to note that Ben and I had never liked each other, from the moment we clapped eyes on each other, we hated one another - we were just so different.

Anyway, Ben calling me gay happened, as I said, when I was just coming to terms with my homosexuality. At that point I wasn't ready for anybody to know, and for him to spread his bigoted opinions around the school didn't do much for my self-esteem when my only male friends had just moved into the other side of the year and I would spend hardly any time with them.

Anyway, it was not so much that he was spreading his opinions at the top of his voice that upset and annoyed me, nor that it was really none of his business; but that, as with all lads of a certain age, he said that me being gay was a bad thing. To other people it might be, but for me, being myself means I can have a shot at happiness, which I would never have had if I had continued with this hideous and debilitating lie. It also means that I have found some fabulous friends, that I would probably never have had if I were straight. I am comfortable knowing that I am gay, and am happy with who I am.

I have come to terms with the fact that it is something I cannot change. I only hope that you can share in my happiness if I ever find it, and that you accept who I am.

I love you both so much, and I hope you know I would never do anything to hurt or upset you deliberately - even though you may now feel confused, hurt, upset and betrayed. But you must know that I love you, and if me being gay - and the feelings I have here immortalised in print - hurt, confuse, upset and betray you, I am so sorry.

I love you both so much and respect you more than you can possibly imagine, and I only hope that now everything is out in the open, we can lead a life without me lying to you anymore.

Once again, I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you to your face. Please forgive me.

Every day I have fought a war against the mirror - I couldn't stand the person staring back at me - but now I will not fight against who I am anymore.

I will not despise myself any more - either for being gay or for not being straight.

Lots of love, your son ALWAYS,

Richard xxx

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